More Ranting..

time for some more ranting haha..

wad a long wk its been..quite sianz from work at the Regent..helping Jenny wif her work but she keeps going on n on juz like my mother..argh...cannot stand...she juz keeps assuming that i don't noe everything...n attempts to teach me how to use the comp..but her explaining is so not clear on the procedure..expecting me to infer so many things...erm...i'm not the brightest here really...n nt all uni students are geniuses..kept getting a lot of criticisms fr her..though sometimes its nt my fault..like i was so slow n behind time..yar..partly cos i'm trying to get used to the comp programme too..but cos she made quite a lot of mistakes n i had to apanstakingly amend them lar..thats why the checking( of the invoices ) took so long. wats more i was 'mobilised' yest to go do inventry checks..it took us (the team) 3 hrs lar..felt so indignant! not fair lor...i have so many things to do...n today i got 'mobilised' again to file balance sheets..which are quite a lot n rather cumbersome considering there are sooo many to file...it occured to me again that accountants are the ultimate tree killers..! if anyone noe of any other profession that supercedes them plz let me noe haha...anw..
today i went down to the World Vision office...n donated $30 for Ariston my colleague(that was his Christmas wish for gift exchange)..and i juz collected some brouchures for him..hmm...i think i'm gonna propose to the youths the 'adopt a child' program..we can all do it together..then go overseas for community proj n humanitarian missions..think it'll be gd as an outreach/evangelism effort... will see how it goes..
once again..i feel that i'm such a hypocrite..like i'm so cheery outside..but i can't display positive emotions to pple at hm...i juz can't..i can't bring myself to...=( most of the time i juz give a straight face..i feel that i juz can't connect wif them...haiz...struggles..

Accumulated Thoughts

Harlo..!
do some updating..
Spiritual life:
hmm..wasn't very good but hope to make use of this hols to grow closer to God again..went down to crusade mass media bookstore n bought a bible dictionary..cldn't decide on the ot n nt materials so kiv first..so yup...
i think one of my greatest weakness and hence the biggest struggle lies with lust..really hard to suppress thoughts..allowing myself to be tempted..hmm..works of the devil..i think guys will find it easier to relate..i think it will be a long battle..juz as it has always been..
as for crusade..was considering massively scaling down involvement..n not caring abt anything anymore..this was a really crappy sem so really thank God for leading me thru the exams..quite gave up on the fm dg already..it was very discouraging for me to lead the dg cos they juz arn't commited to come n attendance is so poor..denny being the most faithful of all already..but sometimes they're like so cold..i was so discouraged after this whole sem i didn't ask inform them of ministry day..thinking that they wun come anw..prayed to God for some encouragement..then was juz on msn tonight when denny msged me n asked if i was gg for ministry day(he muz have found out thru yahoo grps)..felt so guilty..didn't even inform him..but i wun be gg cos of work..now i think he's nt gg cos i'm nt gg..haiz..this is a golden opportunity for him to noe other crusaders since they hadn't attended a single crusade event..sadz..but was really encouraged that he still had interest n initiated conversation..i was really sad when one of them commented that it was lame when i suggested a dg outing..kinda tired..need God to help me build this dg up..wif lots of wisdom..n strength...
yup..wanna thank God for a job too thru uncle tiong n mt..quite time cos quite broke( as usual actually).. thank God too for the tennis sessions esp today..bought a racquet fr wayne..got to noe this dg mate better this sem..picked up tennis fr him..also thank God for helping me recover my wallet 2 mths ago..cos i carelessly left it at cl cblc n it had a few hundred in it to pay for stuff..n also for opportunities to share christ when i prayed so...thank God for being ropha..healing me of all my ailments n sicknesses..thank God for all the small pleasant things that happened..like during study wk when i was so sian..n God blessed me wif a bottle of green tea fr the arts corridor cos the machine had credits..n also for all the guitar lessons fr pple..thank God for all the nature He'd given me to feast my eyes upon..for watching the squirrels in school scurry here and there on the trees n ard the benches in the morning..for the birds that fed on the fruits n berries in sch(Matt 6:26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?) and for the eagles soaring everyday in the morning sky when i look out of my window..how majestic and magnificent they look..God's glory is certainly far above that and i can hardly fathom.. and this verse came to me too(Isa40:31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;they will run and not grow weary,they will walk and not be faint).
i think pride has caused me to rej a lot of blessings fr God..i dun like to receive help..juz like to do everything myself..but i guess if we were to humble ourselves..we'll overflow wif blessing, big and small ones..i figured pride was also one of the factors that posed as an obstacle to gg for church camp...although i do feel that its still nt necessary to spend so much juz to get away to hear a msg fr God..the money cld have been put to better use..lemme give some credit to crusade..cos they really made me 100% convinced of my faith..thru appologetics i was convinced of the hardware( logic, reasoning, evidences thru r2r ,josh mcdowell, c s lewis) n the software( answered prayers from God, this sem while fasting outside of engage i experienced this immense joy that transcended all human language cld ever describe..!)...

Studies:
had been really cui..to the max..this whole sem was utterly horrible..i shall attribute it to mismanagement of time n not knowing how to say no..hence an overinvolvement in crusade...i think i muz have been a really bad example for christ..for all my dismal n lousy grades..hope i didn't stumble anyone or too many pple..feel kinda stressed sometimes..cos i noe i'm an ambassador for christ so i'll have to be on my best behavior..n even worse if i'm wearing any crusade shirt cos its even more obvious..dare say i'm nt the best christian ard..nt even close to..so it has not been a very easy or smooth journey living my best to glorify God..

Family:
still dun really noe wad to do xcept to cont praying..cos so far didn't get very far with my efforts at sharing christ...hmm..quite tired sometimes..it muz have been gd to live in a christian family..cos i feel like everything that i do will be evaluated being the sole believer in my entire family tree..its been really trying..esp wif my mum..cos she nv ever learns anything..fr wad i observed..she's been the ultimate test of my patience..everytime i snap or have something to comment i'll experience cognitive dissonance..dun noe how to tell her to juz let go of the things in life so that the truth will set her free..so that she'll no longer feel frustrated at all the nitty gritty things at work or in life cos Jesus carries all our burdens...and that our identity is in Him, so that she can juz ignore wad others think of her and be less paranoid..


On character n life:
i think i'm still quite insecure..maybe that's one of the reasons why i wanna learn everything..to be all rounded..but end up being jack of all trades n master of none..hope to be more focused..but also find them interesting too that's y i'm learning them..suffering from low self esteem sometimes..acquiring learned helplessness in studies n in leading dg etc..the problem lies in comparing..muz be..yup..sometimes feel quite childish..dun noe..can't draw the line b/w childish n childlike anymore...need to be more mature..but how do u define maturity...? i wanna do so many things..but yet, i wanna do less to get more out of life..life is too short to run thru it..slow down..take a breather..enjoy God n his creations..

Thank God..

today i was feeling rather down..muz have been the effects of studying for an entire week..felt really tired of studying and wondered why i am doing all these..cldn't feel God..so i asked Him why has He hidden Himself from me...then i stumbled upon a clip on youtube..it's a clip by Worldvision..it reminded me again of how lucky i am..i don't deserve the grace that i'm receiving..i shld be thankful for what i have..why shld i be complaining, when the children in the third world countries are suffering from famine, poor sanitary living conditions, forced labour and a lack of education..if only there was a way to make the world more equal..if only resources were not so unequally distributed..so thank you Lord for all your blessings..i pray that one day there will be enough to go abt for everyone..

A happier post

ok..yay..finally..a happier post..! hmm..was quite stressed a few days ago..so bz with sch n p comm stuff(it's Engage!)..almost died..felt jaded and all...led the lunchtime prayer meeting n worship..quite badly prepared but really thank God for leading the whole session thru..but got so stressed had to go for a run yest..went 4km ard the neighbourhood...felt much better after that...today's dg attendance improved..! hoped they gained something fr today's sharing...met R on the way hm..had dinner.gotta hit the bks again..tmr got german sem test..argh..!

Overloaded

down wif a very bad flu the whole day..totally terrible..so tired..i feel like i'm overserving...juggling so many thing..church n crusade n studies n bills..so stressful..think it muz have weakened the immune system drastically..the past wk had been really stressful..so many things to do..tut n presentation n p comm stuff...i can't focus n conc..n being sick doesn't help...ok..poor S..my p comm ST..like really bz..cos i think the comm isn't the best..but i can't really help her much..i'm really bz as well..wonder y they didn't invite the other guys like tong etc..they're quite gd wad..gg to step down fr comm next sem..can't handle it anymore.I WANNA DO LESS...! commitment really is a scary word..need to check out wads fully in store b4 i commit the next time...i think i'm fast becoming like martha..do n do n do n do....need to be still n come b4 Him...ok..i hope the next post will be a happier post..=)

Reflections on Death

ok..quite sick today..used up 12 packs of tissue in less than 6 hrs..there was a sharp pain in my stomach throughout the journey hm..wonder if i'm dying..i'd be at a complete loss if i know today's my last day. wun noe wad to do..if today's your last day n u noe it, wad will u do..will u still go to sch as usual...? will you still study hard n mug in the library or do smthing else...? wad will you say to the pple ard u..? will u die w/o regrets..? i think i'm nt ready to die, cos there's still so many things i wanna do...i dread the thought of facing Him with an empty list..i've nt done much for Him..Life is so vulnerable..pple die all the time..nt juz the old n aged but the young as well..pple dying fr running marathons and all kinds of stuff..we shld really be grateful for everyday that we wake up finding ourselves still alive...but after a while..the enthusiasm to live fruitfully simply dwindles...its really hard to sustain it every morning..waking up to a day full of stuff to do..neverending lects, tuts, assignments n term papers..n all the other stuff that fills up the timetable..leaving u choking..gasping for air and some breathing space at the end of the day..ok this is such a morbid post..haha..death is like some kinda taboo topic for most pple...

1st Post

ok..this is a new post..! had church today..saw Ching Yet but didn't manage to see his wife or kid..worship was on the pulpit( for the 1st time)..a rather scary experience..felt even more isolated from the rest of the congregation. Argh..sch term's started..very bz..i think we shld do less to get more out of life..but then again..easier said than done haha..though we all have the same amt of time..its how we spend it...but i think God's pple shld spend more time wif Him rather than be distracted with the things of this world..nt trying to be self righteous here..but juz stating a fact..i think campus is so vibrant that people will tend to be distracted and participate in everything and anything but God related activities..hopefully people will come to see the importance of putting God first..afterall..we shld focus on what is eternal right..?